New Year’s Resolutions

People often have trouble coming up with resolutions of their own, so here are a few suggestions for certain people to consider in the new year:

Tom Cruise – Resolve to keep your religion to yourself. Most of the people in this country don’t even know what Scientology is. They don’t really care either.

Arnold Schwarzenegger – Resolve not to run for re-election. I’m sure that you’ve done a fine job as Governor of the State of California, but we’d really rather see you killing bad guys in the movies than balancing budgets.

Harrison Ford – Resolve to act closer to your own age. I’m not suggesting that you stop dating women half your age, but the earring is a bit much. You are going to be 64 this coming year.

Terrell Owens – Resolve to shut your mouth and never speak to the media again. Someone’s going to give you a new job this year and you’re not going to like the contract. Don’t say anything about it or this year will wind up just like last year.

Michael Jackson – Resolve to pay your bills or sell the Neverland Ranch. I’m tired of hearing on the news that your creditors want to foreclose. In fact, I’d prefer not to hear about you at all this year so perhaps you should make a few other resolutions as well.

To all the news reporters – Resolve to report the facts and nothing but the facts. I know fiction is often more entertaining but we don’t need any more fabricated stories reported as news. If we want fiction, we can watch a movie or read a book.

For everyone in the entertainment industry – Resolve not to talk about politics. If the clerk at the local 7-Eleven started telling you their opinion on politics instead of ringing up your purchases you’d be annoyed. Why do actors and actresses think that they’re any different?

Date Added: 03-01-2006